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When we were in grade school, our parents figured out what we needed by offering an endless supply of options for what we wanted, “Are you sick? Are you hungry? Are you upset? Was it something at school?” When we were in middle school we started to communicate our needs, but we used intricately folded notes, hand delivered by a close friend or, if we knew which locker, we would drop the notes ourselves into the locker vent. By the time we got to high school we had evolved to using emissaries (i.e. good friends) sent in our stead to speak for us. We also envied those brave few who were able to talk for themselves, certain that we lacked the courage.
The only problem with indirect communication is that by the time we get to college, most of us haven’t learned how to ask for what we need and haven’t learned to speak for ourselves. It’s why we don’t make the statement before the entire class, why we agree to do something and then try to think of ways to get out of it because we simply didn’t want to say “No, I don’t want to.” We fear that we will be rejected, ridiculed, and/or remembered for these moments.
For the most part, one conversation, one moment, one incident, is not sufficient fodder for lifelong judgment. We know this because as we grow older and more mature, we too, do not judge forever one moment, incident, or conversation.
We can save ourselves a lot of energy and definitely a lot of emotional distress by going into conversations, relationships, and the classroom assuming that no one would intentionally spend precious energy trying to make our lives miserable.
That being said, if someone hasn’t contacted you in awhile, don’t assume it’s because of some fault on your part. If you want to talk to someone, call them. If you have an opinion on class conversations, share it. If you don’t want to go to an event or participate in a voluntary activity, say so. Communicating what you want and what you need is essential to moving through life. Plug your nose and jump in with both feet.
